Monday, February 13, 2012

Day - 147 Homelessrob, God Knows More!

I have to say that I do not always tell you, my readers and friends, everything. At least not my, on the spot, progresses. I tell you has much has I can about myself personally, that I do often. You ask and I'll tell. That's the deal. I do my best to uphold my end of the bargain. You deserve no less from me. However, I do not always talk about all of my progresses, has they arrive, that is. That would confuse you has much has it confuses me. So, I tell you has much about me has I can on a personal level.

Allow me to explain the things I do not tell you about me, please. Good stuff. Lots and lots of good stuff. I did a count recently. I concluded that I now have several things going on, all because of this blog, all in the nature of this homeless cause, all because of kind hearted people. However, I have not mentioned any of this publicly (here).I has reasons for this.

One, nothing is final. I hate telling people things and getting them thinking, and worked up, about something will happen only to have it fall apart and fail. Sure, I'll talk to people about it. People that I think can contribute or might have an interest in it or might find it a benefit to them. However, until it's all said and done.... my fingers can only be crossed. Right now, I have nothing final.

Second, I have to steady myself. I have to keep my composure. I keep thinking to myself "if all these things happen then what will become of me". I do not wish to loose myself anymore then I have, do to homelessness, rather good or bad. Focus and concentration are all key here for me. I am a person that can not keep his life together. Wining the power ball will change nothing for me. If I'm going to obtain my goal I must stay focused, even if things might be looking up for me at the moment.

Next, I'm likely to fail! Which is a little different then number one. Its one thing to fail a thing or two here and there, but trust me when I say I could have 100 good and great things going on and have them all fail. I've been prone to this life for a long time now. I'm starting to think this might be intertwined into my D.N.A. Yes, homelessness has me drugged. My friend Lance is a prime example here, I'm not saying by any means that Lance is a failure. Simply, just the Homelessrob portion of his life is. I mean, what are the odds? What are the odds that after 13 years of never being in trouble and never seeing the inside of a jail, that it would happen all at the same time that he starts to make moves? Because of me! LOL, I came to an conclusion about why that is to. I figured that it was an act of nature. Much like camorflauge, Lance was hidden from bad luck being in his natural state. Then when he shifted gears apon my arival...... bad luck found him. This might be a common occurrence in all our life's. I have not figured it our fully yet. However, I am prone to think that this notion is particuraly hard for homeless people.

Now, with that said. I just don't let it all out. I think things are best that way. If I could ever finish something, and that something is good and contribatory to obtaining my goal...... you will be the first to know of my very  victorious victory.

What does trouble me about all this is God. Yes, very troublesome. I have to admit that after Lance I was very conflicted about that relationship. FURIOUS and DEEPLY ENRAGED would be the kinder emotions in that little moment of weakness along sided hiss fit.

For a long time I thought God wanted me to go walk this homelessness off in a very specific walk. I thought about it so much. It consumed my thoughts. Then things started to build up, completely out side of these plans. These other projects are all great works. They all help ( in my opinion ). They are all worth doing and doing my very best at. However, they are very clearly taking away something that I KNOW I was told to do. I simply can not fit it all in. There is no room for mistakes here. NONE, let alone failure. I've taken this up with the Man several times. I still hear the same answer. WALK! Over and over in my head like an echo that will not die.

I know the typical Christian response here. God will lead the way. God will straighten it all out. Right? YES! Shay Kelley would tell me right now to simply trust. She told me that to trust and to have faith are two different things. There was a time in my life where I thought I did trust and I know the difference. I have to assume now that this is something that will need more focus out of me.

How or why would God be adimet about me leaving Florida and moving about then fill me with things that keep me here in one spot? What do you do when conflicted in this nature?

For right now I will say this:

Win, loose, or draw...... I'm onto my projects (if that's what I can call them). I'm not done with Lance yet eighter, unless he decides so. If that is what he chooses then I will defiantly understand. I'll really have to talk to him tho. If Lance understands and is still down, he and I will make our point together that NO human being is worth a quit or timeout. NO, I do not consider Lance a "project" at all! I'm simply just not ready to quit on him. I still have his stuff. Has for the other stuff, I'm gonna shark this tree until my arms come loose. Remain calm and stay has focused has possible, that's what I tell myself. I can say this tho..... I'm giving it all everything I have. No matter what. No matter how it all ends for me. I'm full steam ahead. If it all fails on me then I'll know the truths about my life, and this story will end on that note. I have my fingers crossed for the other wise.

Drop a prayer for me..... I could use a few!

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Follow the Good Shepherd you won't
get lost.Walk with Him.He loves you with an everlasting love.