I have to say that I do not always tell you, my readers and friends, everything. At least not my on-the-spot progress. I tell you as much as I can about myself personally, that I do often. You ask and I'll tell. That's the deal. I do my best to uphold my end of the bargain. You deserve no less from me. However, I do not always talk about all of my progress, as they arrive, that is. That would confuse you as much as it confuses me. So, I tell you as much about me as I can on a personal level.
Allow me to explain the things I do not tell you about me, please. Good stuff. Lots and lots of good stuff. I did a count recently. I concluded that I now have several things going on, all because of this blog, all in the nature of this homeless cause, all because of kind hearted people. However, I have not mentioned any of this publicly (here). I have reasons for this.
One, nothing is final. I hate telling people things and getting them thinking, and worked up, about something will happen only to have it fall apart and fail. Sure, I'll talk to people about it. People that I think can contribute or might have an interest in it or might find it a benefit to them. However, until it's all said and done, my fingers can only be crossed. Right now, I have nothing final.
Second, I have to steady myself. I have to keep my composure. I keep thinking to myself "if all these things happen then what will become of me??"
I do not wish to lose myself anymore than I have, due to homelessness, whether good or bad. Focus and concentration are all key here for me. I am a person that cannot keep his life together. Wining the power ball will change nothing for me. If I'm going to obtain my goal I must stay focused, even if things might be looking up for me at the moment.
Next, I'm likely to fail! This is a little different from number one. It's one thing to fail a thing or two here and there, but trust me when I say I could have 100 good and great things going on and have them all fail. I've been prone to this life for a long time now. I'm starting to think this might be intertwined into my D.N.A.
Yes, homelessness has me drugged. My friend Lance is a prime example here. I'm not saying by any means that Lance is a failure. Simply, just the Homelessrob portion oft his life is. I mean, what are the odds? What are the odds that after 13 years of never being in trouble and never seeing the inside of a jail, that it would happen all at the same time that he starts to make moves? Because of me! LOL, I came to a conclusion about why that is too. I figured that it was an act of nature. Much like camouflage, Lance was hidden from bad luck being in his natural state. Then when he shifted gears upon my arrival, bad luck found him. This might be a common occurrence in all our lives. I have not figured it out fully yet. However, I am prone to thinking that this notion is particularly hard for homeless people.
Now, with that said, I just don't let it all out. I think things are best that way. If I could ever finish something, and that something is good and contributing to obtaining my goal, you will be the first to know about my very victorious victory.
What does trouble me about all this is God. Yes, very troublesome. I have to admit that after Lance I was very conflicted about that relationship. FURIOUS and DEEPLY ENRAGED would be the correct words to use to describe me in that little moment of weakness alongside a hissy fit.
I know the typical Christian response here. God will lead the way. God will straighten it all out. Right? YES! Shay Kelley would tell me right now to simply trust. She told me that to trust and to have faith are two different things. There was a time in my life when I thought I did trust and that I knew the difference. I have to assume now that this is something that will need more focus out of me.
How or why would God be adamant about me leaving Florida and moving about and then fill me with things that keep me here in one spot? What do you do when conflicted in this nature?
For right now I will say this:
Win, loose, or draw, I'm onto my projects (if that's what I can call them). I'm not done with Lance yet either, unless he decides so. If that is what he chooses then I will definitely understand. I'll really have to talk to him though. If Lance understands and is still down, he and I will make our point together that NO human being is worth a quit or timeout. NO, I do not consider Lance a "project" at all! I'm simply just not ready to quit on him. I still have his stuff. And regarding the other stuff, I'm gonna shark this tree until my arms come loose. Remain calm and stay as focused as possible, that's what I tell myself. I can say this though, I'm giving it all everything I have. No matter what. No matter how it all ends for me. I'm full steam ahead. If it all fails on me then I'll know the truth about my life, and this story will end on that note. I have my fingers crossed for the otherwise.
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