I was talking to a friend the other night. I don't remember exactly what got us on the topic of "sugar mammas" but that's were we landed. I mentioned to her how a few men had asked me why I didn't just get one. LOL, almost as if the act of doing this is as simple as buying a candy bar.
I explained to my friend that not only do I not know how this act is done but I also have no interest in that drama or learning how. I have more important things to do and currently, getting ANY "type" of woman is not on my "to do" list (as much as I would like it to be). I'm single and my life is a mess. I have learned by now that adding a woman into this sort of mess is not a good solution. My friend agrees.
So I don't talk about girls here much except to say "I don't have time to mess up two lives at once". However, I do get asked about my relationship from time to time, and if it is your interest to know, I will tell. I don't mind.
I love the mother of my kids (Samantha). However, I'm in love with Kellie
This is my love life:
I see Kellie every day. I love her, deeply! I think I did before I ever knew her because she turned out to be everything I expected her to be..... and more.
I meet Kellie about 3 years ago in California. Kellie is the truest form of a "Long Beach Bomb Shell" as you can get. She has it all: the beautiful face, the beautiful smile. She makes friends in an instant. We couldn't go anywhere where she did not know someone. Everyone liked her. She is smart, funny, and one of a kind. You will NOT dislike Kellie. And 3 years ago she had her beautiful, brown eyes, set on me.
Kellie and I fell in love fast, but not too fast. LOL, she had to feel me out first. A woman like Kellie does not just fall for a guy so easily. LOL, I did not mind though. I thought it was cool. Kellie had a lot of men chasing after her at that time (actually, the whole time). But me, I do not chase, and I suppose that's what got her attention in the first place. I just get too nervous to attempt a "chase"! So while the other guys stood around starring at her with nothing to say, I stayed back in the cut, and let nature take its course (if you will) :). I waited it out. I let Kellie figure me out, and it was in her interest in me that I found interest in her. It was in this mutual interest that we fell in love with each other.
Now, when I say Kellie and I were in love, I mean it! This is love! The unquestionable kind. The kind of love where you know you don't just love that person but you can actually feel them love you too. You know the kind. That every morning, first thought, kind of love. That love where everyone that sees you knows. Kellie and I had that love for each other where there never seemed to be an end to its depths. The dynamics were great as well. The thrill, excitement, and passion (for our relationship) were all there. Kellie and I found all sorts of feelings between us, in our love for each other.
One thing Kellie always told me was that she loved the way I spoke to her. She said I used words on her in a way that excited her and made her happy, constantly. One night I wrote Kellie a love letter. LOL, I know that's corny but I don't care because I knew it would make her happy and that is what I liked to do to Kellie, make her happy. I stayed up late one night and wrote her a few pages. Kellie loved it. She smiled at me in a way that I knew I never want to see go away. I started writing Kellie every night after that. She loved all my letters. Kellie would take my letters, date then, and put then in a folder. I know Kellie appreciated my letters. I know that they made her happy. I know she cared very much about them. She would often tell me she stayed up later reading them.
After a few months it was Christmas time. I wanted do to something nice for her. I "located" all the letters I had written to her, sorted them out, put them into order, and placed them into sleeves in a big binder. When Christmas came I gave the binder to her. Kellie was so happy. LOL, she hugged me so much I did not think she would let go, and I didn't want her to. I gave Kellie a 354 page love letter that day. Kellie then told me she always had this thing she wanted me to do with her letters - she always wanted me to read them to her. And yes......... every night after that Kellie and I would sit up on the couch, she would cuddle up with me, and I would read to her all she desired. Besides my kids, these where the best moments of my life.
Sometimes love can be a short lived event, and for Kellie and I that was the case. Kellie and I both knew that we had to go our seperat ways. She and I both came to the conclusion that if we were going to move on with our lives we simply could not do it together. She and I both had a lot of "life work" to do. Our lives were just going in two different directions. But there was that moment, that one moment in my time, where besides the love of my kids, I felt a love that I had always been looking for. I had found it, and the breakup was a hard breakup. Neither of us wanted to do it. The last thing Kellie did in the last second I saw her was she kissed me good bye.Then she was out the door, off to work, and I was on a bus back to my kids in VT. That was the last time I saw Kellie.
I have not seen or heard from Kellie in years. But every day I see her. Kellie left her mark on me in a way that I simply do not want to forget. She taught me so much about life and how to care for the ones you love, and that love you. She taught me to respect myself better. She taught me to have more confidence in myself. She taught me to take the moments that matter the most and make the best of them, even if they are not to last forever. Kellie only cared about ME as a person, and I think that's what made her son special to me. She cared NOTHING about anything other than me, as a person. I learned a lot about who I was because of the way she cared and loved me. In my mind I see Kellie every day. In my heart she sits.
For as much as I wish I could have that love back, I'm no fool. I know that time has passed now. I know that even if I opened my FB in the morning and saw a message from Kellie, things just would not be the same. And that's why I never try to seek her out. I would not want to tarnish the way I feel about her. Or tarnish the way I remember her, even to have her back, it just wouldn't be worth it. In my mind and heart, Kellie is the way I remember her most. The only woman that really cared and loved me. I don't want to change that.
So, for the ones that have asked about my love life or past love life, here it is. Short, corny, and in depth! LOL! I figured I'd let you in on it a little. I did promise I would give you everything. And now you know where I was on love, and where I stand on love now. I wish I could have a good woman for me now. But I just do not have the time. My life is a mess. And that is OK because at least I still have my girl, Kellie! I love her deeply and in my heart she sits!
and see the cool things I'm doing now!