When you end up on the streets is it easy to become frustrated. The "why me" question is always the first thing you wake up to and the last thing you thing before you fall asleep, at least it is for me. After time, the frustration wanders away and comfort and acceptance settles in. This is easy for most people who understand homelessness to understand.
Frustration during my struggle out of homelessness has been my biggest fault. I get mad about it. Always, on my way up I tend to do OK. However, lack of progression to stability gets to me hard. Aggravation gets the best of me. I'm at that point now. Things have gotten better, but there is still so much more work to do. I've already fallen a trillion times. I've already lost my entire life. If I can't have the life I want, then whats the point?
Street living is painful, but at least I do not have to be constantly reminded of how much more I suck at being a human (this is me, personally). Trust me when I say falling into homelessness is far easier than the fight to get out of homelessness.
I fall into homelessness time and time again because of this. I get frustrated about the new way things are going. Then I start thinking about how to take advantage of the moment, which usually offers a very quick solution to go back into the streets. Then.... I act!
I've seen this frustration and anger come out of me a lot since I have been off the streets and working. It seems to be pouring out of me. Things are not going right. This is not how my old life was. This is not how I want to spend the rest of my life. This is not the direction I wanted to go.
I tend to completely ignore the fact that with out all of that I'd be on the streets with nothing. I'm grateful about the distance I have come, and the people who have helped me get there, but a fool about it at times. I'm not frustrated and angry about about coming off the streets. I'm frustrated and angry about how I'm still feel like a loser.
So, I'm gonna make this time different. There will be no going back to the streets - not for any reason! I've made my mind up about that. The attitude about the way I make it up must fully change. This might be the hardest thing I have ever done. I never have a problem telling people about my short falls - I have plenty of them, trust me! I have a hard time telling people about the short falls I have that I do not fully understand within myself. How have I managed to wind up here so many times and allow my aggravation and frustration to get the best of me so much?
I'm gonna take the advise that was given to me today by my friend, Dave. Dave told me that lately he has seen my aggravation and even though he can't fully understand where I'm coming from about it, he says that I'm allowing it to devour me from the inside out. Dave says the thing I need to do now is relax! It is kind of funny in a way. I don't want to relax at all! I want to move on and bust my butt to get ahead. I thought about this for some time today. I came to two conclusions:
1: working hard to get out of this mess or "striking while the iron is hot" (in my case) is OK. However, I have to stop letting the stresses of coming up out of homelessness get to me. I simply have to calm down and let things take their course for now. Then fix the things I have a hard time dealing with later when it is easier for me.
2: Dave is right!
This is all new stuff for me. I'm sure not everyone will understand, Heck, I don't even understand it. All I know is that I've been here before and what I did before did not work for me. This time I have to do something different. I have to change me, now! I'm the problem!
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