I never knew what would happen when I started this. Heck, I thought I was gonna be hounded by haters and be driven into the ground the first week. If you has asked me 204 days ago where my blog would wind up I probably would have told you "in the trash". However, things for me never turn out the way I want. Story of my life. Story of everyone's life, and that's my point now.
I could have never predicted I would do any of the stuff I've done in the last 204 days any more than I could have predicted being homeless in the first place.
I have learned a lot though in the process of telling this story. One thing that I have learned is that in some way, my homelessness was my fault. I never asked for it in the first place, and I'm free from that incrimination. However, in my struggle to get out of homeless, I have been weak. I've been filled with pride, anger, rage, revenge, and hostility. I have allowed myself to be on the streets over and over again because of these feelings. Recognizing this has been a major key for me. I realize that now. My inability to make it fully out of homelessness is, and always has been, contributed to my lack of understanding the most important thing: self change. I always knew I needed to change (even on this blog I wrote about it), but I really needed to be told to do so. You, my readers and friends - in a very loving and roundabout way - have told me! I'm listening! And in response, I'm making the change.
I'm going to take a break now. I'm going to take a break from this blog and from the social networks for a little bit. I'm going to make some new changes and make some choices that are going to help me get past this part of my life.
Remember: this blog is a story about a man who is trying to get from point A to point Z and it so happens that he starts off homeless. This was never about how or if I could get off the streets. I still have a goal to reach (kids, car, house). This blog will continue for at least a little while longer.
Now, what will end? MY HOMELESSNESS! I am done with it! I did not know it then, but the day my friend DD came around and pulled me out of my tent kicking and screaming like a little girl was the last day I was ever going to spend on the streets.
For me, homelessness had become a part of me. My pride allowed me to say to people "no, I don't need your help! I have to do this on my own". When the truth was that I really needed the help. My anger and rage about the problem allowed me to have a closed mind to what people where trying to say and I developed a "they do know what they are talking about - this is my life" kind of attitude, when I should have been listening to the people who were trying to help me the most.
Hostility kept me away from everyone that mattered to me and turned me into someone that I don't think I really ever was.
In my heart I know I was never this person. Maybe I just needed to be that way as a means of surviving the streets, and when it was time to shut of off I couldn't. Homelessness had its hooks in me for sure. Beating on me and jumping on me around every corner. "Come in Homelessrob, and have a seat! Would you like to stay awhile? What's that Homelessrob? Why did you notice the locks on the outside of the door? Well lets talk about that".
I feel good about me now though. For the first time in a long time I'm proud of myself. I've come a long way. If I have helped anyone on this cause or changed anyone's opinions on the matter what so ever, I consider that a jaw breaking move on my part in the face of homelessness. You, my reader, allowed me to do so, because you listened to me.
So, where does this leave me now? Well, it leaves me in a new chapter of my life. A new start. A clear mind.
I'm done being in the streets. I'm DONE with it!
I'm walking away from it now and leaving it behind me for good!
With a newly focused mind and a sharped sense of who I am and want to be, I' now going to make some changes and focus on the next part of my life:
Getting my kids back!
Dear readers, I only made it this far because of you. Your open minds and warm hearts regarding me have shown me all the things I needed to see and know. The homeless part of my story is done and put away now for good, but I still have a lot more challenges on the way to come. Getting my kids back is not going to be easy.
I want to thank you all so far! You have all given me hope. You have all given me the things I needed the most. Friendships and honest truths. Thank you so much! THANK YOU!
I'm going to take a break. I'll be back soon though...... I hope you are still here :).
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